No pretenses

Ok, I don’t know how to actually start except to jump right to my point, no beating around the bush this time. I have 8 piercings on my ear; I have a belly button piercing, a nose piercing and a teeny tiny Japanese tattoo on my right arm that says ‘special’. That’s just me, I like tattoos and I like piercings. I let the belly and nose piercings close up, mostly cause I got bored, maybe I’ll reopen ‘em eventually (ok, maybe I’m beating around bush a lil bit). Anyways, this dude saw my piercings and said ‘’ oh I’m sure your mum will be mad when she sees this ’’. And didn’t believe when I told him my mother was there when I did it. She actually made do it (the ear piercings anyway). She said ''how can you have just 2 ear holes, blah blah blah.... she took me to Hilton where she did hers, I was 16 at the time.  Actually she made me have two more on each ear, I thought, why stop there? So i did an extra two. And just FYI, mum has 6 ear holes, 2 less than, mine.

Which brings me to my next point, my constant need to club at weekends, do I rave when I’m at home? Yes absolutely. I have the coolest family ever, if we actually don’t go out on the weekend, my parents wonder why. Well, except now, after the whole Jos crisis (again) and shit, staying home seems the safer option so naturally they would prefer if we stayed home.  Trust me I won’t do what I don’t already do back home just cause I’m in the UK.

Do i wear weaves at home? Yes. My mum and I could go to the salon together; I’ll be fixing my weave while she does hers. Do i walk around without a scarf on my head? Yes.  I might not be best Muslim, actually i’m a horrible Muslim (i am aiming to be better, actually exceptional), and those that judge me actually do the same but behind closed doors. Those that say they don’t drink alcohol, but you’ll see them in the club drinking champagne, uhm hellooooo? Or those that’ll wear hijab but come nightfall, they’d be in the club with incredibly inappropriate clothing grinding on a guy. Or those that keep their scarf on so not to reveal hair but have a skimpy top and mini skirt on, girl that defeats the purpose.

And yes, I drink. Infact i love it. Yeah, I know HARAM, I’m working on that. My mum will never actually believe that, I’m the most well behaved person in my family (ok, maybe I’m lying a little about this point)

 My dad’s family think my mum didn’t raise us properly ( dads family Muslim, mums family xtian). But the truth is they only get a glimpse from the outside. In my family, we look out for each other no matter what, we confide in and trust one another,  we don’t lie or cheat or sneak around doing what we shouldn’t , what better way to raise your children than for them to be open and honest? We have been instilled with values, compassion, responsibility, tolerance, self-control, perseverance, courtesy, helpfulness, respect (I can go on all night) and most of all, the worth of hard work and family, either the family you were born to or the family you choose to be willingly a part of.  Because I wear jeans and what not, does that automatically make me a bad person? Does that mean that what I wear makes me the person I am, or the person I could be? It just makes no sense to me at all. Does wearing western clothing make me a horrible person? Apparently wearing such clothing makes me a sinner, but aren't we all? Can I be compared to murderers and rapists?

At a point my uncle said to me ‘’ we have been worried about your faith, mostly because of what you wear!!!!!! its fine to dress the way you do when you are in the UK, I would dress that way if I was there as well to fit in’’ but when I am back home I would dress appropriately. And FYI dressing appropriately in their opinion means wearing only Ankara, day in day out. That also doesn’t make sense to me. Isn’t that hypocritical? So essentially what he is saying is I can dress the way I want when I am outta the country but when in Nigeria, I should wear ‘’only’’ Ankara, which is ''supposedly'' in accordance to religion! Does it suddenly mean religion is only a factor when I am in Nigeria? And I know the Quran, and no where does it say you can only wear Ankara. It tells you to cover all areas except the hand, face, and feet. So what if I wear a top and a long skirt, or a maxi dress with sleeves, isn’t that in accordance to religion, who says it has to be a specific material, does it not cover my body? I guess I’m guilty of some atrocities on nights out, and I am trying to deal with that, but I mean, my clothes are not utterly revealing, I believe firmly that you do not need to be skimpy or slutty to look sexy, that shouldn’t make me a sinner!!!

I do believe people that are overly shielded from the world are those that do the most damage to themselves when they are on their own. I had a friend who didn’t have the same freedom that we did when we were children. She wanted so much to be cool, she’d wear her hijab when leaving home but when she met up with her friends, she’d take it off, and what she had on inside was too scandalous for a 13 year old. And at this point in her life, I dread telling you what she gets up to, while ‘WE’ who grew up with the liberal family that supposedly didn’t raise us well, we are NOT slutty-no-good-sugar-daddy-keeping-no-gooders. Just saying!

meddling in relationships

It’s now bloody hot in London; I usually leave a window open day or night.  And every time I do, this bug flies in, I swear it’s the same one every time, I’m not being paranoid, it has it in for me, I know it. Here I am jejely trying to eat my eba and egusi (I’m not a big fan of eba but I’m too lazy to make anything else) and it keeps flying by. I have a thing for bugs, insects. Not a phobia, not a big thing like that,just a vehement dislike. Even if a harmless thing as a butterfly flies towards me, I don't hold my arm out and think 'awwww', I sprint the other way ASAP.  That’s beside the point though.

I just wonder at what point you decide your man is too possessive. I have dated a possessive guy before, he wanted to know where I was every minute, who I was with, if he didn’t know the person, I’ll have to provide WAEC essay to explain oh. And he was very paranoid as well, why do I have more guy friends than girlfriends, most times he would  show up unannounced just to see if I was where I said I was, or doing what I said I’ll be doing. He would constantly check my call log, emails, texts etc. I could go on forever oh; it was a definite no-no for me. Coupled with other more serious issues, we broke up after 2 years but that’s also beside the point.

I know this certain girl whose boyfriend is just like that and more so. He tells her what to wear, who to have in her house, he doesn’t want her going out, and he tells her who to hang out with, he even tells her what to eat cos he doesn’t want her putting on weight. I mean he wants to be in total control and maybe it’s just me and some of my issues talking but isn’t that way too much? And she is asking me if she should leave him or not.

Fact is I don’t meddle in peoples relationships, only the two of you know what happens behind closed doors, so putting my two cents in is basically useless so I don’t bother but apparently that answer is not satisfactory. She requires a yes or no. I really don’t want to get involved. I think she should, but voicing it out is too hard for me, we are not the same people, maybe u can tolerate what I can’t and vice versa. Besides my opinion shouldn’t really matter, no one can tell you if to leave a guy or not, it’s up to you na, what do you feel? Chai, young people self. 

Plus I’ve meddled in a friends relationship once before, unwillingly I might add (not that she had a gun to my head or anything) but her bf was cheating on her and almost everyone else knew and I felt if I was in her shoes, I’d like to be told so I opened my stupid mouth and said something. And when she confronted him, she had to mention that I told her so, after all d sweet talk and whatever else they did 'behind closed doors', she was back with him, and for some reason stopped talking to me, like I made it all up. She started talking shit to my bf at the time that I kissed this close friend of mine (very childish yes but alas we were young), and that was the end of our friendship. Oh and I did see her years later in a club in Sheffield on my brothers b-day, and well I’m not one to hold a grudge plus I’m 23 years old jo, I don’t have time for games, so I bought her a drink and we danced and laughed,  and all’s been forgotten. Well by then she was claiming virgin who found God but 4 those of us in the know............... hahahaha.

So back to my point, who is able to put up with such possessiveness? Or am I making an issue out of nothing.

stupid men

Its 7pm and my phone started to ring, I looked at the number, didn’t recognise it. Well, I had previously lost all my contacts so i picked the call. It was Mo, my heart stopped, how dare he call me after what happened? What did he want? ...................

It was April and I was house-hunting. I was on my way to see a house when the landlord called me to say he just gave the flat away (it’s been that way for weeks). He asked where i was, and offered to take me to see another property. I explained where i was and he came in a black Mercedes and picked me up; he introduced himself as Mohammed. He seemed funny, we had a good laugh. He shows me the flat which i didn’t like so he took me home and promised to call me if anything becomes available, i thanked him and went on my way.

The next evening i received a call from him, i was thinking, oh yeah, maybe he has a flat he wants to show me but instead he had called to see if i wanted to see a movie...long pause. Firstly he is from Dubai, I’m not racist, but truth is if you’re not black (or at least have a hint of black) and you ask me out, the automatic response is no, and secondly he was in his 30’s, uhm, way too old. And yes i do realise I am being a little narrow-minded on this issue.  I did agree to go after some persistence on his part.

Two days later, he comes and picks me up right on time and we went to the movies. It was fun, we laughed and joked, i had a lovely time until the movie was over.  We were in the car and he asked if i wanted to go somewhere else, we could go to his house for a drink and i said no. So we sat in the car just talking and he offered to push my seat back so I can relax, before i could answer back, the seat was down and he asked for a kiss, I leaned over to give him a kiss (my intention was on the cheek), i didn’t want him getting the wrong idea, i really was not attracted to him at all but as i leaned in, he stuck his tongue in my mouth and before i knew it he was on top of me , in the fucking car. I tried to push him off; i tried so hard but he was latched unto me like a tick. And before i knew it his hands were everywhere, touching me. For a small man, he was pretty strong, now i know why he parked so far away from other cars. I kept trying to push him off and he kept trying to push my legs open, and then i got a hold of his hand and grabbed a finger, twisted it so far back till i heard a crack. Then he screamed and let go, asking ‘’what did i do that for’’. Uhm okeeey, i agreed to a movie not to be assaulted, did u not feel me pushing you off and trying so hard to scream? And he replied ‘he thought i was just trying to feign hard to get, he knew i would eventually give in. Apparently he has dated black girls before, which brings me to another issue, why do a lot of men make that assumption that black girls are easy, it enrages me. well i'm glad i broke his finger. 

Which brings me back to why he called; he was sorry, he was out of line, blah blah blah, can we go out again? Mo, 3 words, no fucking way.

bored again

So i am going to dance around, have a mini concert in my room, ummi live from leabridge road ft trey songz, beyonce and bon jovi, unfortunately Robbie Williams cant make it today (sigh). Constantine shouldn’t complain much (he is the downstairs neighbour). So my friend and i were chatting on BB, and she says to me, youth doesn’t last forever, do and get married. And apparently she has found me a husband. And just FYI, i don’t need help finding a man (no really i don’t lol). Apparently, i have commitment issues, i see it differently, besides everyone has issues right?. Anyways, so this guy she has for me may be too nice for me (her words not mine), which might be true, nice and me don’t mix. I’m not saying i like bad boys (ok maybe a lil bit) but truth be told, there is such a thing as too nice, in my opinion anyways. And she absolutely agreed, apparently if i’m with a nice guy, i will give him low self-esteem and some other mental problems (sadly the mental problems part might be a lil true) but anyways, i disagree with the self-esteem issue, i am not a ball buster of any kind (really im not, trust me on this). Hhm, this should be some kinda record, 2posts in a day, but there’s nothing to do but lie in bed and the substitute for my depression is ranting aimlessly here when no one is listening. It really is therapeutic, i feel so much better now.

bored

Its 14:46 pm and i am bored outta ma mind. Its a beautiful sunny day and i am still in bed, its so quiet and peaceful, i could hear myself think, i dont like that very much so i open a window, just to hear the bustling of people on the streets and the honking of buses passing by. Not sure what to do with myself all day. I did manage to go see yellow yesterday like i promised, I call him yellow cos of his complexion (dts obvious right?). This sounds very cliché but he makes everything seem ok. Will be going to nigeria in a week, i have mixed feelings about that, but it cant be all bad right? My thoughts are all over the place. I'll stop now.

seeming fear

I woke up today with a heavy heart. D reason; I can't fathom. I feel this anxiety, this crippling fear dt is keeping me in bed. But I stiLl can't imagine what I'm afraid of. I went to bed after stuffing my face with so much junk. Apparently its stress eating. I am done with exams, nothing to do, I am as unstressed as should be. I'm not bored either. And I'd like to imagine aspects of my life are going ok, not great but just ok. Somehow I feel this isn't where I should be at this point in my life but I feel powerless to change it. Is that what I am afraid of, afraid that I no longer have control of my life? I still lay on my crisp white sheet and feel nothing but anxiety. I don't want to get up, I really dont

goodbye grandpa

It’s always sad losing someone you love. I got a message from my dad telling me that my grandpa died at 11.30pm, well, he tried calling but i was asleep at the time so he left a message and it was the first message i got when I got up in the morning, least to say that it was the beginning of an awful day. We weren’t particularly close, what with me being all the way in the Uk, with school and all: even when I was home, we lived in different states but he was an amazing man who lived a full life, and essentially, he is where I came from. The kind of strength he possessed, and the way he lived his life was an amazing inspiration to us all until the disease of age caught up with him. He lost the ability to do anything for himself but we all remembered him for the warrior he was, and the strength he had for protecting his family. It was heartbreaking not to able to be there to say goodbye but I took solace knowing that he was surrounded by friends and family that loved him and I’m sure he knew I did too.

I believe in God for so many reasons and one of them is that we live in a world that has so much pain and hurt, I’d like to believe that there is something else out there that makes the suffering have some sorta meaning.

People who are atheists, I always wonder what their motivation is for doing good, how they find the strength to go on after a tragedy when they believe that after death, there is nothing further. I do believe that there is a heaven and hell, and I’m certain for the life he lead that grandpa would be in heaven smiling down on us.

We all live our lives like there’s no tomorrow, not believing that our lives are not ours and can sooner be taken away. So if I’ve learnt anything from the hurt of losing someone   I love is to live life to the fullest and to make the most of all things in life. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do, live just like Grandpa D did, and try not to take things for granted. So adieu oh my beloved, I hope to see you again. 

boots boots boots

I know the weather is getting warmer but I can;t help but love these boots. So furry, with a tartan trim by mukluks. And for £200, all I can do is stare at this picture, oh I wish.

I hate DHL

I needed a new phone, nothings particularly wrong with mine but I just wanted a new one. So i ordered a blackberry from o2. Confirmation note said it'll be delivered on tuesday, (ordered it on the 31st but cos of Easter, it'll take longer to reach me). Anyhu, after ordering d phone, my old phone began to act up, touch screen chooses when it'll work, and i thought hey, good thing i have a new one on the way. Turned out, O2 uses DHL as their courier. Alot of people keep complaining about the service dhl offer, mainly that it sucks but what to do? I waited all day long, looking out the window, staring and people as they go about their bussiness, waiting, watching buses pass by, waiting, i even began to hallucinate, every van that passes by i'd swear it said DHL on it. I called several times, i was told i should wait till about 9 oclock and if it doesnt arrive then, i should call back. I didnt want to leave home just incase the courier arrived, so i stayed in till 9pm, sucker right? After then i tried calling and an automated service told me that due to a high amount of calls, they cant take any more so they can be able to deal with the calls, or something like that. which brings me here, im really pissed off and my phone hardly works. Figured, i should go out then, cos ive been wanting to eat a delicious handful of red seedless grapes. People crave chocolate and sweets and what not, is it weird that I crave fruit? Anyways, the fruit market was closed so i decided to pig out, and my idea of pigging out is really just making a very high fat sandwich, containing mayoinnase, butter, sweet corn and bread. My idea was to pig out on that but after two slices i was full. So after all my rambling, grumbling and kicking doors, a woman buzzed my flat at 22:45 waving a package. Turns out all the time i waited at home, racing to the door as soon as i heard the buzzer to find out who it is and it'll turn out to be just someone else, my parcel had been delivered to the wrong address, 4 houses away, even though the address on the package was correct. Anyways, atleast i have my phone.

heart uncovered

It is true about me, i have always been afraid to feel for fear of hurt.  In the process, i may have hurt others a lot so i can avoid this. I haven’t lost that fear yet, but I find that my heart has got a life of its own and its strongly going against my plan.

We all have that one person don’t we? The person we always go back to no matter what? Well, most of us anyways. He is my one, not ‘the one’ but i seem to have a special weakness for him, the one i find myself thinking of often. He was here recently, but he couldn’t stay, his scent still lingers though, makes my heart ache. You do not realise this, but this is very new to me, i have never felt this way, i can’t hide behind anything anymore because he sees right through me, I have always had a fear of being known. I have decided that i was happier without these feelings, i especially hate not being in control and i still have this sneaky suspicion that it will soon come crashing down, that’s how life works isn’t it, life, reality always gets in the way. I can’t even explain it to me, how possible is it that as cynical as I am, i am willing to give up a lot, to endure a lot. 

A good start to easter

On my profile, it says I have been on blogger since February 2009, but do I even have post? No.  I am now a woman on a mission; I am aiming to publish a post a day, if i can. I am having the most wonderful Easter holiday. I knew my day would be good, I received some beautiful tulips in the morning, which simply brightened up my tiny living room.  I love tulips, and mostly I love the smell of fresh flowers in my living room. 

Then a  really good friend whom I haven't seen in a while came to visit, and we had an amazing time. I ended up in club 40/40 in canning town where some drunk guy poured his drink on me but did that ruin my night? No. I simply went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up and was right back on the dance floor shaking my big behind. Migraine skank was blaring, and I heard ‘’show me how u get down’’and i was in the middle of busting a move when i found myself flat on myback (and no i wasn’t drunk, someone spilled her drink on the floor) and my really high heels didn’t help much, but i was tipsy enough not to have felt much pain. Did that spoil my night? Again, no. I am a trooper, i got up and still danced my ass off. And i believe I did it so well cos i got so many drink offers and that really helped numb the pain. So to sum up, I had a wonderful time.