things going through my mind

I had forgotten the allure of solitude, the beauty of darkness so dark it envelopes your being. But I remembered today, I remembered d seduction it enthrals; it’s just as seductive as the first taste of whisky or a virgin making love for the first time. First painful then feels so good. And after the first twig , u feel the tug at your extremities, and then d warmth courses down your body, making you want more. It starts to feel like a hug, its warm , soothing, comforting. And then you start to want more and more, and suddenly, it’s a way of life, it’s a guilty pleasure.

And it is weird for me to be needing such comfort: because I am the 24 yr old who has always taken care of herself, who has never been in love and therefore never have been heartbroken, who has gone through some very difficult things in life and being the private person I am, had gone through them all by myself and just kept up the stoic appearance with the personal mantra ‘’this too shall pass’’. It seems ridiculous now that I start to cling to so much emotion, insecurity, fear.

They say if you fall get up, not sure who ‘’they are’’ but sometimes it’s easier to stay down till you regain your strength.

It seems I have cried so much in the past couple of months than I have during my entire adulthood and at the time, it might have seemed like a life n death situation that I didn’t share with any1, not that I had no one to talk to, that was my trust issues leading me. And I guess it was a learning curve 4 me, learning to open up, to open myself to showing emotion, and now, I am not sure what good it’s doing me cause letting myself feel these emotions is making me an emotional wreck.

And they also say ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger', what they don’t tell u is that it kills a piece of you, a piece that you might never get back.