Alcohol lingers on my breathe every morning,I love it, it makes me feel good, better then awesome. it makes the pain go away and then i can smile again. not the usual fake im-ok type of smile, this feels genuine. till wake up, sober and it starts all over again, its a never ending circle. How do i explain dt i am in pain wen im not even sure y half the time. maybe i do, my pride will not let me say it out loud but its insecurity,I dont feel safe. but everyday iforgive, iforgive what you have done and what you havent. I cannot and will not let this go, ours is of the heart and mind. it transcends the superficial. if only it can transcend the ugly traits of humanity, the jealousy, envy, selfishness and that ex of yours that you choose not to let go of.
Thursday, 19 April 2012
Everyone is either getting married or adamantly searching for a husband. Notice I didn’t say ‘good husband’, some people just settle for whatever they can get. My cousin recently got married and I was part of the bridal train. We were looking good, if I may say so myself.
It was beautiful to share in their joy. All through the wedding process, you know………planning, shopping, etc my mother would passive-agressively (or passively-aggresively? my english is failing)ask when my wedding will be and each time I would smile and lovingly tell her “mummy, Gods time is the best” but in my mind I’m screaming, “mother, back off”. Is it weird to say that I have no intentions of getting married? Ofcourse I am kidding myself, I dont mean that literally ofcourse, I mean I havent met anyone in my 25years on earth that has made me feel like we could settle down together, FOREVER. I see a bride at the alter and I think, oh that’s just beautiful; but I don’t feel any tug inside me, any sort of longing that would suggest I want to be up there instead of her. Well, when the time comes, I will be hitched. Till then, when my mother claims I will give her high BP because I am not married, I will smile and lovingly tell her that theres a pill for that.
Monday, 17 January 2011
I had forgotten the allure of solitude, the beauty of darkness so dark it envelopes your being. But I remembered today, I remembered d seduction it enthrals; it’s just as seductive as the first taste of whisky or a virgin making love for the first time. First painful then feels so good. And after the first twig , u feel the tug at your extremities, and then d warmth courses down your body, making you want more. It starts to feel like a hug, its warm , soothing, comforting. And then you start to want more and more, and suddenly, it’s a way of life, it’s a guilty pleasure.
And it is weird for me to be needing such comfort: because I am the 24 yr old who has always taken care of herself, who has never been in love and therefore never have been heartbroken, who has gone through some very difficult things in life and being the private person I am, had gone through them all by myself and just kept up the stoic appearance with the personal mantra ‘’this too shall pass’’. It seems ridiculous now that I start to cling to so much emotion, insecurity, fear.
They say if you fall get up, not sure who ‘’they are’’ but sometimes it’s easier to stay down till you regain your strength.
It seems I have cried so much in the past couple of months than I have during my entire adulthood and at the time, it might have seemed like a life n death situation that I didn’t share with any1, not that I had no one to talk to, that was my trust issues leading me. And I guess it was a learning curve 4 me, learning to open up, to open myself to showing emotion, and now, I am not sure what good it’s doing me cause letting myself feel these emotions is making me an emotional wreck.
And they also say ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger', what they don’t tell u is that it kills a piece of you, a piece that you might never get back.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
P.S forgive me if my trail of thought is all over the place.
Gone are the days when people think if by 25 a woman is not married, there is something wrong with her. Now, 21st century women are generally stronger and more independent; delaying marriage and focusing on their careers. And in this century, sex is no longer taboo, it is everywhere and it is openly discussed. Consequently, more and more women are adapting to a no-strings-attached sexual relationship. And why shouldn’t we? As men are wired differently than women, SOME women need that emotional connection before they jump into bed with a guy, while men jump into bed just to satisfy an urge. Why shouldn't we also get that sexual satisfaction without any emotional baggage to associate it with?
I do believe that more often than not, a casual relationship can only go on for so long with a particular person before one person either male or female starts getting attached. And before long, it might start feeling like a real relationship.
The problem arises when one person is in it for the sex and the other is expecting some type of commitment. And men are the guilty party here; they are almost never honest about their intentions. If females are in it just for the sex, no straight guy in his right mind will say no to that. Maybe i may be generalising but a woman would like to be told upfront what the deal is, that way, the ball will be in her court, if its a casual sex relationship u r after, she’ll let you know if she’s up for it or not. But i guess after sex and the cuddling and possibly breakfast in bed, she might start to feel that tug in her heart, something she might try so hard to ignore but eventually while her head is screaming noooooo, her heart might take on a life of its own , and suddenly she'll feel like it could be a real thing when the other person really is not up for it.
A reason why we (mostly Africans) think love and sex go hand in hand is because we are brought up to believe our virginities are sacred and it authenticates our purity and losing our virginity before marriage is like eating the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden. But as we get older, relationships get harder and harder. Things get more complicated, people carry more baggage, and we women expect more and more from men. That might be the time we start to think that love and sex could be mutually exclusive and we should.
Personally I would feel less betrayed if my significant other had a casual sexual relationship than an emotionally connected relationship.
And it’s not that there is a shortage of good men, we just sometimes have impossible standards for the guys we want to have relationships with and when that doesn’t work out, we end up getting emotionally attached to people we are having casual sex with, that’s how people end up settling for less than they want or deserve.
But my point is women are separating love and sex more and more. Some women use sex solely as a tool to get what they want, other women use sex to satisfy a need and a lesser percentage of women are holding out for real love.
Remember though, if you feel bad after having a sexual encounter with a guy, then it was definitely not the right thing to do, and I ask you this, why did you do it in the first place .
If you only want a good time and don’t want to get emotionally attached then remember to cut all ties before it gets dangerous, and don’t ask me how, I am not your shrink.
My advice to some ladies, loosen up and have fun, if you want to do it, do it but it is however very foolish to expect some kind of everlasting love connection to ensue after a night of sex and guys, be happy that that fine piece of ass is giving you some and leave all judgements aside, this could be the most amazing thing you have ever encountered.
NOTE: this is pure speculation, I am not all women and I am certainly not a man and there is no moral to my rant, just have fun, do what you want and forget what society expects.
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Ok, I don’t know how to actually start except to jump right to my point, no beating around the bush this time. I have 8 piercings on my ear; I have a belly button piercing, a nose piercing and a teeny tiny Japanese tattoo on my right arm that says ‘special’. That’s just me, I like tattoos and I like piercings. I let the belly and nose piercings close up, mostly cause I got bored, maybe I’ll reopen ‘em eventually (ok, maybe I’m beating around bush a lil bit). Anyways, this dude saw my piercings and said ‘’ oh I’m sure your mum will be mad when she sees this ’’. And didn’t believe when I told him my mother was there when I did it. She actually made do it (the ear piercings anyway). She said ''how can you have just 2 ear holes, blah blah blah.... she took me to Hilton where she did hers, I was 16 at the time. Actually she made me have two more on each ear, I thought, why stop there? So i did an extra two. And just FYI, mum has 6 ear holes, 2 less than, mine.
Which brings me to my next point, my constant need to club at weekends, do I rave when I’m at home? Yes absolutely. I have the coolest family ever, if we actually don’t go out on the weekend, my parents wonder why. Well, except now, after the whole Jos crisis (again) and shit, staying home seems the safer option so naturally they would prefer if we stayed home. Trust me I won’t do what I don’t already do back home just cause I’m in the UK.
Do i wear weaves at home? Yes. My mum and I could go to the salon together; I’ll be fixing my weave while she does hers. Do i walk around without a scarf on my head? Yes. I might not be best Muslim, actually i’m a horrible Muslim (i am aiming to be better, actually exceptional), and those that judge me actually do the same but behind closed doors. Those that say they don’t drink alcohol, but you’ll see them in the club drinking champagne, uhm hellooooo? Or those that’ll wear hijab but come nightfall, they’d be in the club with incredibly inappropriate clothing grinding on a guy. Or those that keep their scarf on so not to reveal hair but have a skimpy top and mini skirt on, girl that defeats the purpose.
And yes, I drink. Infact i love it. Yeah, I know HARAM, I’m working on that. My mum will never actually believe that, I’m the most well behaved person in my family (ok, maybe I’m lying a little about this point)
My dad’s family think my mum didn’t raise us properly ( dads family Muslim, mums family xtian). But the truth is they only get a glimpse from the outside. In my family, we look out for each other no matter what, we confide in and trust one another, we don’t lie or cheat or sneak around doing what we shouldn’t , what better way to raise your children than for them to be open and honest? We have been instilled with values, compassion, responsibility, tolerance, self-control, perseverance, courtesy, helpfulness, respect (I can go on all night) and most of all, the worth of hard work and family, either the family you were born to or the family you choose to be willingly a part of. Because I wear jeans and what not, does that automatically make me a bad person? Does that mean that what I wear makes me the person I am, or the person I could be? It just makes no sense to me at all. Does wearing western clothing make me a horrible person? Apparently wearing such clothing makes me a sinner, but aren't we all? Can I be compared to murderers and rapists?
At a point my uncle said to me ‘’ we have been worried about your faith, mostly because of what you wear!!!!!! its fine to dress the way you do when you are in the UK, I would dress that way if I was there as well to fit in’’ but when I am back home I would dress appropriately. And FYI dressing appropriately in their opinion means wearing only Ankara, day in day out. That also doesn’t make sense to me. Isn’t that hypocritical? So essentially what he is saying is I can dress the way I want when I am outta the country but when in Nigeria, I should wear ‘’only’’ Ankara, which is ''supposedly'' in accordance to religion! Does it suddenly mean religion is only a factor when I am in Nigeria? And I know the Quran, and no where does it say you can only wear Ankara. It tells you to cover all areas except the hand, face, and feet. So what if I wear a top and a long skirt, or a maxi dress with sleeves, isn’t that in accordance to religion, who says it has to be a specific material, does it not cover my body? I guess I’m guilty of some atrocities on nights out, and I am trying to deal with that, but I mean, my clothes are not utterly revealing, I believe firmly that you do not need to be skimpy or slutty to look sexy, that shouldn’t make me a sinner!!!
I do believe people that are overly shielded from the world are those that do the most damage to themselves when they are on their own. I had a friend who didn’t have the same freedom that we did when we were children. She wanted so much to be cool, she’d wear her hijab when leaving home but when she met up with her friends, she’d take it off, and what she had on inside was too scandalous for a 13 year old. And at this point in her life, I dread telling you what she gets up to, while ‘WE’ who grew up with the liberal family that supposedly didn’t raise us well, we are NOT slutty-no-good-sugar-daddy-keeping-no-gooders. Just saying!
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
It’s now bloody hot in London; I usually leave a window open day or night. And every time I do, this bug flies in, I swear it’s the same one every time, I’m not being paranoid, it has it in for me, I know it. Here I am jejely trying to eat my eba and egusi (I’m not a big fan of eba but I’m too lazy to make anything else) and it keeps flying by. I have a thing for bugs, insects. Not a phobia, not a big thing like that,just a vehement dislike. Even if a harmless thing as a butterfly flies towards me, I don't hold my arm out and think 'awwww', I sprint the other way ASAP. That’s beside the point though.
I just wonder at what point you decide your man is too possessive. I have dated a possessive guy before, he wanted to know where I was every minute, who I was with, if he didn’t know the person, I’ll have to provide WAEC essay to explain oh. And he was very paranoid as well, why do I have more guy friends than girlfriends, most times he would show up unannounced just to see if I was where I said I was, or doing what I said I’ll be doing. He would constantly check my call log, emails, texts etc. I could go on forever oh; it was a definite no-no for me. Coupled with other more serious issues, we broke up after 2 years but that’s also beside the point.
I know this certain girl whose boyfriend is just like that and more so. He tells her what to wear, who to have in her house, he doesn’t want her going out, and he tells her who to hang out with, he even tells her what to eat cos he doesn’t want her putting on weight. I mean he wants to be in total control and maybe it’s just me and some of my issues talking but isn’t that way too much? And she is asking me if she should leave him or not.
Fact is I don’t meddle in peoples relationships, only the two of you know what happens behind closed doors, so putting my two cents in is basically useless so I don’t bother but apparently that answer is not satisfactory. She requires a yes or no. I really don’t want to get involved. I think she should, but voicing it out is too hard for me, we are not the same people, maybe u can tolerate what I can’t and vice versa. Besides my opinion shouldn’t really matter, no one can tell you if to leave a guy or not, it’s up to you na, what do you feel? Chai, young people self.
Plus I’ve meddled in a friends relationship once before, unwillingly I might add (not that she had a gun to my head or anything) but her bf was cheating on her and almost everyone else knew and I felt if I was in her shoes, I’d like to be told so I opened my stupid mouth and said something. And when she confronted him, she had to mention that I told her so, after all d sweet talk and whatever else they did 'behind closed doors', she was back with him, and for some reason stopped talking to me, like I made it all up. She started talking shit to my bf at the time that I kissed this close friend of mine (very childish yes but alas we were young), and that was the end of our friendship. Oh and I did see her years later in a club in Sheffield on my brothers b-day, and well I’m not one to hold a grudge plus I’m 23 years old jo, I don’t have time for games, so I bought her a drink and we danced and laughed, and all’s been forgotten. Well by then she was claiming virgin who found God but 4 those of us in the know............... hahahaha.
So back to my point, who is able to put up with such possessiveness? Or am I making an issue out of nothing.
Its 7pm and my phone started to ring, I looked at the number, didn’t recognise it. Well, I had previously lost all my contacts so i picked the call. It was Mo, my heart stopped, how dare he call me after what happened? What did he want? ...................
It was April and I was house-hunting. I was on my way to see a house when the landlord called me to say he just gave the flat away (it’s been that way for weeks). He asked where i was, and offered to take me to see another property. I explained where i was and he came in a black Mercedes and picked me up; he introduced himself as Mohammed. He seemed funny, we had a good laugh. He shows me the flat which i didn’t like so he took me home and promised to call me if anything becomes available, i thanked him and went on my way.
The next evening i received a call from him, i was thinking, oh yeah, maybe he has a flat he wants to show me but instead he had called to see if i wanted to see a movie...long pause. Firstly he is from Dubai, I’m not racist, but truth is if you’re not black (or at least have a hint of black) and you ask me out, the automatic response is no, and secondly he was in his 30’s, uhm, way too old. And yes i do realise I am being a little narrow-minded on this issue. I did agree to go after some persistence on his part.
Two days later, he comes and picks me up right on time and we went to the movies. It was fun, we laughed and joked, i had a lovely time until the movie was over. We were in the car and he asked if i wanted to go somewhere else, we could go to his house for a drink and i said no. So we sat in the car just talking and he offered to push my seat back so I can relax, before i could answer back, the seat was down and he asked for a kiss, I leaned over to give him a kiss (my intention was on the cheek), i didn’t want him getting the wrong idea, i really was not attracted to him at all but as i leaned in, he stuck his tongue in my mouth and before i knew it he was on top of me , in the fucking car. I tried to push him off; i tried so hard but he was latched unto me like a tick. And before i knew it his hands were everywhere, touching me. For a small man, he was pretty strong, now i know why he parked so far away from other cars. I kept trying to push him off and he kept trying to push my legs open, and then i got a hold of his hand and grabbed a finger, twisted it so far back till i heard a crack. Then he screamed and let go, asking ‘’what did i do that for’’. Uhm okeeey, i agreed to a movie not to be assaulted, did u not feel me pushing you off and trying so hard to scream? And he replied ‘he thought i was just trying to feign hard to get, he knew i would eventually give in. Apparently he has dated black girls before, which brings me to another issue, why do a lot of men make that assumption that black girls are easy, it enrages me. well i'm glad i broke his finger.
Which brings me back to why he called; he was sorry, he was out of line, blah blah blah, can we go out again? Mo, 3 words, no fucking way.